And Now the Noose

2002-12-17T09:26:00.000-08:00

SENATE REPUBLICANS TO REPLACE LOTT WITH SOME OTHER REDNECK

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Sources close to the Republican leadership of the United States Senate reported Tuesday that they were close to making a decision to oust Senator Trent Lott (R - Mississippi) from his position as Senate majority leader and replace him with some other arch-conservative redneck with scary ideas.

"My, but Big T done got them uppity negroes all riled up," said one senator who declined to be named, sipping mint juleps on his front porch. "'Fraid that boy's time is up, but don't you worry your little haid none," grinned the senator, his jowls flopping. "We gots us plenty of good ol' boys to go 'round. An' that's the mos' 'potant thang."

Top contenders for the Senate majority spot are considered to be Don Nickles (R - Oklahoma), who believes abortions should be outlawed even to save the life of the mother, and Bill Frist (R - Tennessee), who believes background checks should not be required of persons who want to buy guns at gun shows.

"The president will not be stepping in on this issue, which is strictly a matter for the legislative body," said Ari Fleischer, spokesman for the White House. "We would just like to make sure that whoever is running the Senate is somebody who can work closely with George W. Bush. And since they're all banjo-pluckers around here, I don't see we'll have any problems," added Fleischer, a little Jewish Yankee guy.

The Republican party is often credited with freeing the slaves.

2002-11-05T11:24:00.000-08:00

ELECTION 2K2 SPECIAL REPORT: HOCK THE VOTE

UNDEAD MARCH ON WASHINGTON TO DEMAND CIVIL RIGHTS

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A horde of slavering zombies marched down the Washington Mall Tuesday in a protest intended to secure the basic rights of the undead.

"We want Congress to wake up and smell the necrosis," shouted undead activity Mort Shaeffer into a bullhorn. Wearing a tee-shirt reading 'Rotten but Not Forgotten', Shaeffer has become the most vocal spokesbeing for what has come to be known as the Million Maggot March.

"The Dead took a great step forwards in 2000 when we got to vote for one of our own," said Shaeffer in an exclusive interview. "Mel Carnahan, as channelled by his wife, has given the animus-challenged a legitimate voice in the government. But now they've decided to replace Paul Wellstone on the ballot with a living candidate. That's prejudice, plain and simple!"

Shaeffer listed a host of issues important to the Reawakened, including the coverage of funerary costs under Medicare and government-funded subsidies of brains. The undead would also like to amend the Declaration of Independence to grant only the inalienable rights of Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.

Tuesday's protest was staged on election day to highlight what Shaeffer claims to be the profiling of nonliving would-be voters. "We get turned away at the polls because we shamble, or lack the usual complement of limbs," Shaeffer complained bitterly. "What the politicians don't realize is what a formidable voting bloc we could be."

"Look at Chicago," Shaeffer added. "We've been deciding elections up there for years."

VOTING IRREGULARITIES REPORTED IN FLORIDA

MIAMI -- Election observers in Florida reported Tuesday that despite the efforts of state officials to guarantee free and fair balloting, incidents continue to occur that may tarnish that state's already blemished voting record.

"Take the wording of the ballots for voting a straight party ticket," said one observer. "You can either check 'Republican', or 'Not (Not (Not (Not (Not Republican))))', which is a little bit confusing. Then there's the fact that the butterfly ballot has been replaced by a Moebius strip, so punching Democratic on one side punches Republican holes on the other."

"I thought it was pretty fair this time," admitted Jean Lupo, interviewed as she left her voting location. "Of course, the small electric shock that accompanied votes for independent candidates helped sway my decision. One guy down the row from me burst into flame, but I'm pretty sure it was just because he voted for that school bond issue."

Observers were also skeptical of claims that, owing to heightened security concerns regarding terrorism, police were blocking approaches to voting sites by any individuals with the same approximate skin tone as John Allen Muhammad.

"Governor's orders," said a police spokesman.

WITH 0% OF PRECINCTS REPORTING, RESULTS PREDICTED

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- After receiving final vote tally information from approximately 0% of all voting precincts, the media released preliminary voting results Tuesday.

"It looks like a landslide victory for Robert Torricelli," said Dan Rather. "However, the race is too close to call for Paul Wellstone. More on this story as it develops."

"Meanwhile, Dewey is hanging onto his lead over Truman in exit polling," Rather continued. "It seems more and more likely that we won't have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore....this just in, President Kennedy has been shot!"

"Turning now to local elections," said Rather, "the most current numbers report that Walter Mondale...." The newsman looked up and, with a wry smile, waved his copy in the air.

"Okay, which of you guys is the joker?" added Rather.

2002-11-04T14:01:00.000-08:00

SAUDI ARABIA: 'ALL OUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US'

RIYADH -- Despite ample evidence that somebody set up us the bomb, Saudi Foreign Minister Prince Saud al-Faisal stated Monday that his country would not allow the United States to use their bases in an attack on Iraq.

"How are you gentlemen!" said al-Faisal, on Main Screen of a very surprised President George Bush and his cabinet. "All our base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction!"

"What you say!!" exclaimed Bush.

"You have no chance to survive make your time," continued al-Faisal, confounding all American attempts at translation. Efforts to sway the Saudi decision by diplomatic means were defeated when the Foreign Minister broke off the transmission amid echoing laughter.

President Bush responded by dispatching aircraft carrier groups to the region and instructing naval commanders to not be overly particular which nation gets bombed.

2002-11-03T23:23:00.000-08:00

GERALDINE FERRARO ACTIVATED IN NEVADA BUNKER

RENO -- Sources divulged Monday that Geraldine Ferraro, the unsuccessful Democratic candidate for Vice-president in 1984, has been removed from cold storage in her top-security bunker in the Nevada desert and has been refitted for active duty in the event of an emergency.

"This old bird has seen some tough times," admitted Lieutenant Colonel Austin Weathers, slapping the former congresswoman affectionately on the haunch, "but don't think she's a softy just because she's racked up the mileage. Yessir, we've cleaned her up and put her through her paces, and we're confident that the 'Lady Tip' could lick any GOP candidate in a dogfight."

"They don't build 'em like they used to," added Weathers.

Sources close to the Democratic National Party stated that in the event of another candidate's untimely death, Ferraro could be crewed by expert handlers, airlifted to any of the 50 states and given expedited residency status to allow her to be a write-in candidate for Tuesday's elections.

"We're hoping for a shot at some action," Weathers admitted. "Nobody wants anything to happen to our boys on the ground, of course, but given the opportunity, the old girl will fly again for her country." The lieutenant colonel became visibly moved as he polished Ferraro's glasses with his sleeve.

"We just hope she doesn't get broken down for parts like Gary Hart," Weathers continued. "That would be the real tragedy."

2002-10-30T21:06:00.000-08:00

LIKUD TO FORM RULING COALITION WITH LIBERTARIANS

JERUSALEM -- Following the resignation of Labor Party ministers from Ariel Sharon's government and the dissolution of the Likud Party's coalition in the Knesset, the Israeli Prime Minister plans to maintain control of the nation by forging a narrow alliance with the Libertarian Party, sources said Wednesday.

"It's really a natural team in the making," said Zevi Meyir, chairman of the Israeli Libertarian Party. "For example, the Likud Party champions the population expansion in the West Bank. We're 100% behind that sentiment; we simply advocate the notion that resettlement can be better performed by private enterprise. Given a profit motive, corporations will create ultraconservative armed compounds for us -- without a single taxpayer shekel being spent!"

Meyir also offered his party's solution to the conflict with the Palestinian people. "I don't think anybody's arguing that we need to forgive the terrorists and give them whatever they want," said Meyir. "But, frankly, a massive publicly-funded putsch doesn't do anything except squander money. This sort of conflict can be best settled by the writing of rational, legally-binding personal contracts between individuals. We could have a contract forbidding the use of suicide bombs, for instance, and for those who violate the terms of the agreement there would be stiff penalties."

The Likud party holds 55 of the 120 seats in the Knesset. With the 7 seats held by the Libertarians, Sharon would be able to retain a narrow margin of control over parliament. However, outside observers are doubtful that Sharon can sell his own party on the policy shifts necessary to appease their coalition partners.

"Maybe they could push through the drug legalization plank," observed Layla Schinner of the Jerusalem Post. "Nothing would quiet Netanyahu down quite like a big fatty."

2002-10-29T14:16:00.000-08:00

U.S.: RUSSIANS SUBDUED CHECHEN SEPARATISTS WITH AVRIL LAVIGNE

MOSCOW -- The United States ambassador to Russia claimed Tuesday that lives could have been saved had Russians disclosed that the 3-day theater standoff had been ended by pumping Avril Lavigne's music over the sound system at high volume.

"We regret that the lack of information contributed to the confusion after the immediate operation to free the hostages was over," Alexander Vershbow told a news briefing. "It's clear that with perhaps a little more information, at least a few more of the hostages may have survived. Emergency response teams might have been able to sustain the lives of victims with quick infusions of Moby or Warren Zevon."

The music of Avril Lavigne, a 17-year-old Canadian pop sensation, is regarded by munitions experts as a biological weapon. It is banned by the Geneva protocols, and is on the list of materials to be searched for when U.N. weapons inspectors re-enter Iraq. No nations are known to have an Avril Lavigne weapons research program, although last week North Korea admitted to developing a system for delivering concentrated bursts of Bjork.

Russian officials denied initial reports that the cause of death might have been an opiate gas derivative. "It was an understandable mistake," said Vershbow, "since the facial expressions of the vast majority of the dead combined profound terror and extreme boredom. Many also choked on their own vomit, which in hindsight makes perfect sense. Goodness knows every time 'Complicated' comes on the radio, I have to switch the station or start gagging uncontrollably."

Of the 117 confirmed dead, 115 were known to have died from the musical onslaught; the remaining two died from gunshot wounds, either at the hands of the terrorists or self-inflicted. Meanwhile, hundreds remain in Moscow hospitals, alternately convulsing and shouting "I'm with the sk8er boi!" Doctors can do little to help them, save providing them with fluids and piping "Cake" over the intercom.

"Better they should have died," mourned one physician.

2002-10-28T15:42:00.000-08:00

U.S. SOMEHOW SURPRISED AT SHOOTING OF DIPLOMAT IN JORDAN

AMMAN -- The United States Goverment expressed its surprise and outrage at the Monday slaying of an American diplomat stationed in Jordan, a tragic event that surprised and outraged nobody else.

"We are outraged by this incomprehensible act," the U.S. embassy in Amman said in a statement regarding the apparent execution of Laurence Foley, 62, a senior administrator at the U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID).

"Huh?" replied Ali, a Jordanian taxi driver who declined to be further identified. "America bombs the shit out of one Islamic nation, then threatens to bomb the shit out of another. All of a sudden, an unescorted diplomat loses his life in an Islamic country. What's incomprehensible about that?"

"I mean, hello?" added Ali.

State Department spokesman Richard Boucher said Washington did not know who was responsible and could not be sure the killing was politically motivated. The rest of the universe simply shrugged, rolled its eyes, and went on about its business.

2002-10-25T14:08:00.000-07:00

WELLSTONE PLANE CRASHES; SENATE CONTROL MOURNED

MINNEAPOLIS -- In the aftermath of the crash of Senator Paul Wellstone's airplane and the deaths of the congressman and his family, Democratic leaders were quick to mourn the tragic and untimely loss of the United States Senate.

"His loss is monumental," said fellow Senate Democrat John Kerry of Massachusetts. "Paul's departure leaves us without our majority, making it practically impossible for us to block the Republicans in any meaningful way. We will all miss the terrific political clout that Paul's officeholding gave us. We will remember his plurality in our thoughts and prayers."

Tom Daschle, Democratic Senator from South Dakota, wept openly upon hearing the news of Wellstone's demise. "The world will never see another person like Paul," grieved Daschle, wiping his nose on the back of the Senate Majority Leader chair. "This was probably our last chance to put a finger in the eye of the Bush Apparatus. Damn you, Paul Wellstone, for not flying something safe like ValuJet!"

Republicans also expressed their grief and dismay. "Paul Wellstone was a great man and a terrific person," said Trent Lott, Republican Senator from Mississippi, "and I'm sorry it had to go down like this. Sometimes history comes atcha like a freight train, and when you hear that whistle you better get off the tracks. Paul just didn't move fast enough."

Democratic Sen. Edward Kennedy of Massachusetts also expressed his condolences, but could not be reached for comment in his karma-proof bunker.

2002-10-23T20:36:00.000-07:00

POLICE DIALOGUE CONTINUES WITH SNIPER

ROCKVILLE -- Reading from a prepared statement, Montgomery County Police Chief Charles Moose continued law enforcement's dialogue with the Beltway Sniper via media proxy.

"We have received your message," said Chief Moose, "and we have researched the options you have given us. It is unfortunately impossible to comply with your conditions. We have made every effort, but what you ask is impossible. If you don't believe us, *you* try and make Jordan start on the bench."

"We are attempting to come up with the money you requested," Moose continued. "Unfortunately, since Congress didn't pass any appropriations bills, we don't have ten million dollars. We are pursuing alternative sources for money, but regrettably our inquiries have already made Jordan cranky."

"We have heard and understood your concerns," said Moose, "except for some of the shouty stuff. We're really sorry about that rookie hanging up on you. He thought you said you were the Amway sniper. You honestly can't blame the guy."

"What is really important," Moose emphasized, looking pleadingly at the camera, "is that we do this without anyone else getting hurt until the elections are over."

"Call your mother," Moose concluded.

2002-10-23T14:48:00.000-07:00

EUROPEAN UNION PREPARED TO ADMIT IRAQ

DUBLIN -- Irish voters overwhelmingly endorsed the approval of Iraq's membership in the European Union on Wednesday, paving the way for that nation's formal admission in 2004.

"Nothing could please me more than bringing our Islamic brothers into the fold," said a smiling Mary Harney, Irish Deputy Prime Minister. "Their nation and ours share a surprisingly common heritage, including a proud tradition of bombing our own countrymen. Then, of course, there's all that oil." Harney proceeded to lick her lips in a highly amoral fashion.

The motion was approved by a wide margin despite strong international sentiment that Iraq should be disqualified from EU membership on the basis that it lies on another continent. French President Jaques Chirac was dismissive of such criticism. "This is simply another American ploy to exercise the might of a superpower over the rest of the world. But they are not all-powerful, these stupid Yankee swine! If they want to achieve anything in the world, first they must go through France!"

"France! France! France!" insisted Chirac, pounding his shoe on a table.

"We are sending a message to the United States," echoed German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder, "that Europe is not simply a small child that can be ordered around. We're all grown up now; we have our own apartment and a steady girlfriend, and I think we can make our own decisions. Just because America wants to go to war with a nation doesn't mean we cannot embrace their oil -- I mean, their people. And it needn't stop there; I see no reason why, in the near future, this 'Axis of Evil' nation might not be invited to join NATO."

"After all," the German leader continued slyly, "some precedent does exist."

Neither Saddam Hussein nor any of his assassination-foiling decoys were available for comment.

2002-10-22T06:38:00.000-07:00

D.C. POLICE LOCATE HOLE IN GROUND

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Spokesmen for several Washington, D.C.-area law enforcement organizations called a press conference Tuesday to announce their investigation had successfully turned up a hole in the ground.

"I done found it," said Chief James 'Jeb' Hunt, who heads the Rosaryville Police Department. "It 'tweren't hard to find a-tall. I was just walkin' about and I done fell in."

"Say, Jeb?" inquired a member of the press. "Isn't that hole really just your ass?"

"Naw, t'ain't!" Chief Hunt replied hotly, although he then subsequently appeared somewhat uncertain. Sergeant P. F. Eckels from the Jessup police force shouldered his way up to the microphone.

"Found me a nickel!" he announced, holding it high overhead for photographers.

"Well, I ain't takin' no part in this here sniper-hunt," drawled Captain Hector 'Heck' Greenley of Crofton. "Them slick-talkin' FBI boys pulled that on me a while back, and I had to walk two miles to find a phone booth in Gaithersburg." He paused to blow his nose on some physical evidence.

"If they wants to hold a sniper-hunt," the officer continued, "they can hold the dang fool bag, and *I'll* flush 'em out."

2002-10-21T20:16:00.000-07:00

NORTH KOREA CONFESSES ADDITIONAL MISDEEDS

PYONGYANG -- Following on the heels of last month's admission that his country had kidnapped Japanese nationals, and last week's extraordinary revelation that North Korea possessed a secret nuclear weapons program, leader Kim Jong Il disclosed on Monday that his nation was guilty of additional malfeasance.

"We sank the Lusitania," Mr. Kim admitted. "Also, we shot down Buddy Holly and the Big Bopper. We killed J.R. We stole Fizzy Lifting Drink."

The penitent leader made further admissions. "We drive rudely. We invented telemarketing. We shot off that flaregun on the Lake Geneva shoreline. We fantasize about Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen even though they're much too young for us."

Despite the growing anger and clamor at the press conference, Kim Jong Il, appearing very much a man who wished to salve his conscience, would not be stopped. "Remember when you were a little kid, and you had your quarter to buy a snow-cone, and some big bully knocked you on the ground and stole your quarter? That was us! that was us...."

The North Korean leader collapsed at his lectern and wept nakedly. After a moment of stunned silence, the crowd closed around him, patting him, murmuring soothing words, beginning the process that leads to acceptance and, one day, forgiveness.

2002-10-20T22:10:00.000-07:00

NEW POLLS REVEAL 67% OF AMERICANS ARE ANDROIDS

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A study conducted by the Pew Research Center and released on Sunday revealed that over 67% of all persons living in America are automotons bearing only superficial resemblance to human beings.

"It didn't come as a complete surprise to us," said Andrew Kohut, director of the independent opinion reserach group. "There were early indicators when we analyzed the information now being made available from the 2000 census. We discovered that for the Racial Classification category, a surprising number of people checked the box titled 'Artificial Life-form'."

According to Kohut, 67.2% of survey respondents stated that they were androids, compared with just under 30% who claimed to be human, and almost 3% who had no opinion.

"Interestingly, the number of people who gave George W. Bush a satisfactory job approval rating was also 67.2%," added Kohut, "and the number of people who favor armed conflict with Iraq at the present time is the exact same percentage. When asked whether they would jump off a bridge if George W. Bush told them to do it, a staggering 54% said they would. 13.2% said they were unsure, as they had experienced negative consequences the last time they had been issued that command."

Kohut could not explain how almost 180 million androids could have come to populate the United States of America, although he did point out that certain line items in SDI research appropriations were never adequately accounted for during the Reagan administration.

"Most troubling," Kohut said, "was the fact that 37.5% of all respondents said they would detonate their built-in explosive charge when provided with the appropriate coded signal." The researcher shrugged. "Hey, sometimes a good pollster needs to go fishing, you know?"

2002-10-19T21:09:00.000-07:00

'UNDISCLOSED LOCATION' REVEALED TO BE WHITE HOUSE MAINTENANCE SHED

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Vice-President Dick Cheney revealed Saturday that, until very recently, the 'undisclosed location' used by key government personnel during periods of heightened security was actually the White House grounds maintenance shed.

"It was pretty dark in there," the vice-president confessed, "and there were all these daddy longlegs doing their little jerky dance in every corner. Brrrrr. Then there was the time I sat on a rake, which needed stitches and a tetanus booster." Cheney shook his head in disgust.

Cheney admitted that the 'undisclosed location' needed to be changed because the scent of fertilizer that pervaded his entire wardrobe had become a dead giveaway and a security risk.

When asked regarding the new safe location for Cheney and the cabinet, the vice-president merely smiled and winked broadly. "Let's just say it beats the pants off sitting on paint cans. Especially on Thursdays, when well drinks are just a dollar."

"Woo hoo!" Cheney added.

2002-10-19T20:58:00.000-07:00

GOVERNMENT DEFENDS HUMAN RIGHTS RECORD AT AL-QAEDA PRISONER COMPOUND

GUANTANAMO BAY -- The United States government flatly rejects any criticism of its human rights record in this isolated prisoner-of-war stockade, according to the deputy base commander, Colonel Jefferson Brinks.

"We're not running a boy scout camp here," Colonel Brinks said. "However, we comply with the requirements of the Lake Geneva Accords, and we do our best to allow our guests as much freedom as possible without jeopardizing security."

Brinks gave examples of the lattitude allowed to prisoners showing good conduct, including access to facilities for exercise and worship, exposure to stimulating music, and even limited forms of self-governance. He was dismissive of claims that cruel and unusual punitive measures were enforced.

"Naturally the prisoners are under constant surveillance for reasons of national security," Brinks admitted, "but these accusations of mind control, drugged interrogations and beatings by teams of thugs are nothing but scurrilous rumors."

"Take this claim by Amnesty International," Brinks continued, "that we attempted to break one prisoner, an al-Qaeda officer, by presenting him with a doppelganger to destroy his sense of self. Or these outlandish claims by Swiss observers that runaways are brought back to the compound, unconscious, within roaring, translucent bouncing globes. Where do these people get this stuff?"

The Colonel waved his hand out the window of his green-domed office. "Do you see a brutal gulag out there? This place is more like a village, and our guests are the citizens of that village. If they follow the rules and comply with a few simple requests, they are treated very well. Of course, if they decide not to join in the spirit of the community, they can find this place very unpleasant -- very unpleasant indeed."

Colonel Brinks then turned slightly in his chair, looking directly through the monitors at the viewing audience, and smiled thinly. "Be seeing you," he intoned ominously.

Colonel Brinks' superior officer was not available for comment.

2002-10-18T21:15:00.000-07:00

PEACE RETURNS TO IVORY COAST; WORLD APATHETIC

TIEBISSOU -- After a month-long civil war, an agreement to bring peace to the once-stable nation of Ivory Coast is finally holding. The western world could not possibly care less.

Despite the fierceness of the fighting, which has killed hundreds of Ivorians and displaced tens of thousands, the majority of America-based news services declined to cover this story anywhere close to the front page or top of the broadcast. Many markets have had no coverage at all. When confronted with these facts, Yancey Liebling, Chief News Editor for Yahoo! News, made a dismissive gesture by clutching her hand and jerking it up and down.

"Who gives a shit?" said Liebling. "They're not rich, they're not hip, they're not photogenic, and Bono's busy."

"Now what about the next season of American Idol?" Liebling added. "Now there's a story you can sink your teeth into!"

The Ivory Coast, a nation of almost 17 million people, will not be viewing American Idol next season: the bulk of the television stations were destroyed in the fighting.

2002-10-18T20:17:00.000-07:00

REPUBLICANS ANTICIPATE ELECTION WITH STUPIDITY SHIFT

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- With the election only weeks away, the Republican party has mounted an effort to broaden their appeal to voters by subtly shifting their platform towards stupidity.

"We've tried other movements in the past," said Norman Westervold, a GOP strategist, "but without any particular success. We've hemmed in on the Democrats' domestic issues; we've veered briefly towards religious fundamentalism -- and yet we've lost control of the Senate. We figured, let's try to relate to people at the very core of their being: their dimness."

According to Westervold, the vast majority of Americans aren't too bright. "They're yutzes. They watch America's Funniest Home Videos. They fight over Beanie Babies. They have drive-through liquor stores. These are not rocket scientists we're talking about here. And when they see a candidate tripping over big words, mangling the facts and babbling incoherently, they're going to say -- 'Hey, that's me!'"

Westervold cited as an example President Bush's most recent gaffe. "'Fool me once.....shame on you....you don't get fooled again.'" He shook his head and grinned. "Sheer genius!"

2002-10-14T15:51:00.000-07:00

PALESTINIAN YOUTH ELECTRIFIED BY DC-AREA SNIPER

RAMALLAH -- The infamous exploits of the Washington D.C.-area sniper have made a great impression on Palestinian youth in the West Bank, sources claimed Monday.

"Wait a second," said Abdel, a 19-year old resident of Ramallah. "You mean I can take the lives of a bunch of civilians, yet not have to surrender myself to martyrdom? wow! I mean, Wow!"

"That's not at all what Jamal Mansour said," added 18-year old Reza, a student. "He told us we had to give our lives to further the Intifada. What a crock that was."

According to Hamas leadership, the shooting spree in America has led to a crisis in the ranks of would-be suicide bombers.

"They won't strap the bombs on," complained one street-level commander who declined to be named. "And all because of that stupid sniper. Leave it to America to screw up the way terrorism is conducted."