Tuesday, December 17, 2002


WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Sources close to the Republican leadership of the United States Senate reported Tuesday that they were close to making a decision to oust Senator Trent Lott (R - Mississippi) from his position as Senate majority leader and replace him with some other arch-conservative redneck with scary ideas.

"My, but Big T done got them uppity negroes all riled up," said one senator who declined to be named, sipping mint juleps on his front porch. "'Fraid that boy's time is up, but don't you worry your little haid none," grinned the senator, his jowls flopping. "We gots us plenty of good ol' boys to go 'round. An' that's the mos' 'potant thang."

Top contenders for the Senate majority spot are considered to be Don Nickles (R - Oklahoma), who believes abortions should be outlawed even to save the life of the mother, and Bill Frist (R - Tennessee), who believes background checks should not be required of persons who want to buy guns at gun shows.

"The president will not be stepping in on this issue, which is strictly a matter for the legislative body," said Ari Fleischer, spokesman for the White House. "We would just like to make sure that whoever is running the Senate is somebody who can work closely with George W. Bush. And since they're all banjo-pluckers around here, I don't see we'll have any problems," added Fleischer, a little Jewish Yankee guy.

The Republican party is often credited with freeing the slaves.