Tuesday, November 05, 2002

ELECTION 2K2 SPECIAL REPORT: HOCK THE VOTE

UNDEAD MARCH ON WASHINGTON TO DEMAND CIVIL RIGHTS

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A horde of slavering zombies marched down the Washington Mall Tuesday in a protest intended to secure the basic rights of the undead.

"We want Congress to wake up and smell the necrosis," shouted undead activity Mort Shaeffer into a bullhorn. Wearing a tee-shirt reading 'Rotten but Not Forgotten', Shaeffer has become the most vocal spokesbeing for what has come to be known as the Million Maggot March.

"The Dead took a great step forwards in 2000 when we got to vote for one of our own," said Shaeffer in an exclusive interview. "Mel Carnahan, as channelled by his wife, has given the animus-challenged a legitimate voice in the government. But now they've decided to replace Paul Wellstone on the ballot with a living candidate. That's prejudice, plain and simple!"

Shaeffer listed a host of issues important to the Reawakened, including the coverage of funerary costs under Medicare and government-funded subsidies of brains. The undead would also like to amend the Declaration of Independence to grant only the inalienable rights of Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.

Tuesday's protest was staged on election day to highlight what Shaeffer claims to be the profiling of nonliving would-be voters. "We get turned away at the polls because we shamble, or lack the usual complement of limbs," Shaeffer complained bitterly. "What the politicians don't realize is what a formidable voting bloc we could be."

"Look at Chicago," Shaeffer added. "We've been deciding elections up there for years."

VOTING IRREGULARITIES REPORTED IN FLORIDA

MIAMI -- Election observers in Florida reported Tuesday that despite the efforts of state officials to guarantee free and fair balloting, incidents continue to occur that may tarnish that state's already blemished voting record.

"Take the wording of the ballots for voting a straight party ticket," said one observer. "You can either check 'Republican', or 'Not (Not (Not (Not (Not Republican))))', which is a little bit confusing. Then there's the fact that the butterfly ballot has been replaced by a Moebius strip, so punching Democratic on one side punches Republican holes on the other."

"I thought it was pretty fair this time," admitted Jean Lupo, interviewed as she left her voting location. "Of course, the small electric shock that accompanied votes for independent candidates helped sway my decision. One guy down the row from me burst into flame, but I'm pretty sure it was just because he voted for that school bond issue."

Observers were also skeptical of claims that, owing to heightened security concerns regarding terrorism, police were blocking approaches to voting sites by any individuals with the same approximate skin tone as John Allen Muhammad.

"Governor's orders," said a police spokesman.

WITH 0% OF PRECINCTS REPORTING, RESULTS PREDICTED

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- After receiving final vote tally information from approximately 0% of all voting precincts, the media released preliminary voting results Tuesday.

"It looks like a landslide victory for Robert Torricelli," said Dan Rather. "However, the race is too close to call for Paul Wellstone. More on this story as it develops."

"Meanwhile, Dewey is hanging onto his lead over Truman in exit polling," Rather continued. "It seems more and more likely that we won't have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore....this just in, President Kennedy has been shot!"

"Turning now to local elections," said Rather, "the most current numbers report that Walter Mondale...." The newsman looked up and, with a wry smile, waved his copy in the air.

"Okay, which of you guys is the joker?" added Rather.

Monday, November 04, 2002

SAUDI ARABIA: 'ALL OUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US'

RIYADH -- Despite ample evidence that somebody set up us the bomb, Saudi Foreign Minister Prince Saud al-Faisal stated Monday that his country would not allow the United States to use their bases in an attack on Iraq.

"How are you gentlemen!" said al-Faisal, on Main Screen of a very surprised President George Bush and his cabinet. "All our base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction!"

"What you say!!" exclaimed Bush.

"You have no chance to survive make your time," continued al-Faisal, confounding all American attempts at translation. Efforts to sway the Saudi decision by diplomatic means were defeated when the Foreign Minister broke off the transmission amid echoing laughter.

President Bush responded by dispatching aircraft carrier groups to the region and instructing naval commanders to not be overly particular which nation gets bombed.


Sunday, November 03, 2002

GERALDINE FERRARO ACTIVATED IN NEVADA BUNKER

RENO -- Sources divulged Monday that Geraldine Ferraro, the unsuccessful Democratic candidate for Vice-president in 1984, has been removed from cold storage in her top-security bunker in the Nevada desert and has been refitted for active duty in the event of an emergency.

"This old bird has seen some tough times," admitted Lieutenant Colonel Austin Weathers, slapping the former congresswoman affectionately on the haunch, "but don't think she's a softy just because she's racked up the mileage. Yessir, we've cleaned her up and put her through her paces, and we're confident that the 'Lady Tip' could lick any GOP candidate in a dogfight."

"They don't build 'em like they used to," added Weathers.

Sources close to the Democratic National Party stated that in the event of another candidate's untimely death, Ferraro could be crewed by expert handlers, airlifted to any of the 50 states and given expedited residency status to allow her to be a write-in candidate for Tuesday's elections.

"We're hoping for a shot at some action," Weathers admitted. "Nobody wants anything to happen to our boys on the ground, of course, but given the opportunity, the old girl will fly again for her country." The lieutenant colonel became visibly moved as he polished Ferraro's glasses with his sleeve.

"We just hope she doesn't get broken down for parts like Gary Hart," Weathers continued. "That would be the real tragedy."