Wednesday, October 30, 2002

LIKUD TO FORM RULING COALITION WITH LIBERTARIANS

JERUSALEM -- Following the resignation of Labor Party ministers from Ariel Sharon's government and the dissolution of the Likud Party's coalition in the Knesset, the Israeli Prime Minister plans to maintain control of the nation by forging a narrow alliance with the Libertarian Party, sources said Wednesday.

"It's really a natural team in the making," said Zevi Meyir, chairman of the Israeli Libertarian Party. "For example, the Likud Party champions the population expansion in the West Bank. We're 100% behind that sentiment; we simply advocate the notion that resettlement can be better performed by private enterprise. Given a profit motive, corporations will create ultraconservative armed compounds for us -- without a single taxpayer shekel being spent!"

Meyir also offered his party's solution to the conflict with the Palestinian people. "I don't think anybody's arguing that we need to forgive the terrorists and give them whatever they want," said Meyir. "But, frankly, a massive publicly-funded putsch doesn't do anything except squander money. This sort of conflict can be best settled by the writing of rational, legally-binding personal contracts between individuals. We could have a contract forbidding the use of suicide bombs, for instance, and for those who violate the terms of the agreement there would be stiff penalties."

The Likud party holds 55 of the 120 seats in the Knesset. With the 7 seats held by the Libertarians, Sharon would be able to retain a narrow margin of control over parliament. However, outside observers are doubtful that Sharon can sell his own party on the policy shifts necessary to appease their coalition partners.

"Maybe they could push through the drug legalization plank," observed Layla Schinner of the Jerusalem Post. "Nothing would quiet Netanyahu down quite like a big fatty."


Tuesday, October 29, 2002

U.S.: RUSSIANS SUBDUED CHECHEN SEPARATISTS WITH AVRIL LAVIGNE

MOSCOW -- The United States ambassador to Russia claimed Tuesday that lives could have been saved had Russians disclosed that the 3-day theater standoff had been ended by pumping Avril Lavigne's music over the sound system at high volume.

"We regret that the lack of information contributed to the confusion after the immediate operation to free the hostages was over," Alexander Vershbow told a news briefing. "It's clear that with perhaps a little more information, at least a few more of the hostages may have survived. Emergency response teams might have been able to sustain the lives of victims with quick infusions of Moby or Warren Zevon."

The music of Avril Lavigne, a 17-year-old Canadian pop sensation, is regarded by munitions experts as a biological weapon. It is banned by the Geneva protocols, and is on the list of materials to be searched for when U.N. weapons inspectors re-enter Iraq. No nations are known to have an Avril Lavigne weapons research program, although last week North Korea admitted to developing a system for delivering concentrated bursts of Bjork.

Russian officials denied initial reports that the cause of death might have been an opiate gas derivative. "It was an understandable mistake," said Vershbow, "since the facial expressions of the vast majority of the dead combined profound terror and extreme boredom. Many also choked on their own vomit, which in hindsight makes perfect sense. Goodness knows every time 'Complicated' comes on the radio, I have to switch the station or start gagging uncontrollably."

Of the 117 confirmed dead, 115 were known to have died from the musical onslaught; the remaining two died from gunshot wounds, either at the hands of the terrorists or self-inflicted. Meanwhile, hundreds remain in Moscow hospitals, alternately convulsing and shouting "I'm with the sk8er boi!" Doctors can do little to help them, save providing them with fluids and piping "Cake" over the intercom.

"Better they should have died," mourned one physician.

Monday, October 28, 2002

U.S. SOMEHOW SURPRISED AT SHOOTING OF DIPLOMAT IN JORDAN

AMMAN -- The United States Goverment expressed its surprise and outrage at the Monday slaying of an American diplomat stationed in Jordan, a tragic event that surprised and outraged nobody else.

"We are outraged by this incomprehensible act," the U.S. embassy in Amman said in a statement regarding the apparent execution of Laurence Foley, 62, a senior administrator at the U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID).

"Huh?" replied Ali, a Jordanian taxi driver who declined to be further identified. "America bombs the shit out of one Islamic nation, then threatens to bomb the shit out of another. All of a sudden, an unescorted diplomat loses his life in an Islamic country. What's incomprehensible about that?"

"I mean, hello?" added Ali.

State Department spokesman Richard Boucher said Washington did not know who was responsible and could not be sure the killing was politically motivated. The rest of the universe simply shrugged, rolled its eyes, and went on about its business.