Friday, October 25, 2002

WELLSTONE PLANE CRASHES; SENATE CONTROL MOURNED

MINNEAPOLIS -- In the aftermath of the crash of Senator Paul Wellstone's airplane and the deaths of the congressman and his family, Democratic leaders were quick to mourn the tragic and untimely loss of the United States Senate.

"His loss is monumental," said fellow Senate Democrat John Kerry of Massachusetts. "Paul's departure leaves us without our majority, making it practically impossible for us to block the Republicans in any meaningful way. We will all miss the terrific political clout that Paul's officeholding gave us. We will remember his plurality in our thoughts and prayers."

Tom Daschle, Democratic Senator from South Dakota, wept openly upon hearing the news of Wellstone's demise. "The world will never see another person like Paul," grieved Daschle, wiping his nose on the back of the Senate Majority Leader chair. "This was probably our last chance to put a finger in the eye of the Bush Apparatus. Damn you, Paul Wellstone, for not flying something safe like ValuJet!"

Republicans also expressed their grief and dismay. "Paul Wellstone was a great man and a terrific person," said Trent Lott, Republican Senator from Mississippi, "and I'm sorry it had to go down like this. Sometimes history comes atcha like a freight train, and when you hear that whistle you better get off the tracks. Paul just didn't move fast enough."

Democratic Sen. Edward Kennedy of Massachusetts also expressed his condolences, but could not be reached for comment in his karma-proof bunker.

Wednesday, October 23, 2002

POLICE DIALOGUE CONTINUES WITH SNIPER

ROCKVILLE -- Reading from a prepared statement, Montgomery County Police Chief Charles Moose continued law enforcement's dialogue with the Beltway Sniper via media proxy.

"We have received your message," said Chief Moose, "and we have researched the options you have given us. It is unfortunately impossible to comply with your conditions. We have made every effort, but what you ask is impossible. If you don't believe us, *you* try and make Jordan start on the bench."

"We are attempting to come up with the money you requested," Moose continued. "Unfortunately, since Congress didn't pass any appropriations bills, we don't have ten million dollars. We are pursuing alternative sources for money, but regrettably our inquiries have already made Jordan cranky."

"We have heard and understood your concerns," said Moose, "except for some of the shouty stuff. We're really sorry about that rookie hanging up on you. He thought you said you were the Amway sniper. You honestly can't blame the guy."

"What is really important," Moose emphasized, looking pleadingly at the camera, "is that we do this without anyone else getting hurt until the elections are over."

"Call your mother," Moose concluded.

EUROPEAN UNION PREPARED TO ADMIT IRAQ

DUBLIN -- Irish voters overwhelmingly endorsed the approval of Iraq's membership in the European Union on Wednesday, paving the way for that nation's formal admission in 2004.

"Nothing could please me more than bringing our Islamic brothers into the fold," said a smiling Mary Harney, Irish Deputy Prime Minister. "Their nation and ours share a surprisingly common heritage, including a proud tradition of bombing our own countrymen. Then, of course, there's all that oil." Harney proceeded to lick her lips in a highly amoral fashion.

The motion was approved by a wide margin despite strong international sentiment that Iraq should be disqualified from EU membership on the basis that it lies on another continent. French President Jaques Chirac was dismissive of such criticism. "This is simply another American ploy to exercise the might of a superpower over the rest of the world. But they are not all-powerful, these stupid Yankee swine! If they want to achieve anything in the world, first they must go through France!"

"France! France! France!" insisted Chirac, pounding his shoe on a table.

"We are sending a message to the United States," echoed German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder, "that Europe is not simply a small child that can be ordered around. We're all grown up now; we have our own apartment and a steady girlfriend, and I think we can make our own decisions. Just because America wants to go to war with a nation doesn't mean we cannot embrace their oil -- I mean, their people. And it needn't stop there; I see no reason why, in the near future, this 'Axis of Evil' nation might not be invited to join NATO."

"After all," the German leader continued slyly, "some precedent does exist."

Neither Saddam Hussein nor any of his assassination-foiling decoys were available for comment.

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

D.C. POLICE LOCATE HOLE IN GROUND

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Spokesmen for several Washington, D.C.-area law enforcement organizations called a press conference Tuesday to announce their investigation had successfully turned up a hole in the ground.

"I done found it," said Chief James 'Jeb' Hunt, who heads the Rosaryville Police Department. "It 'tweren't hard to find a-tall. I was just walkin' about and I done fell in."

"Say, Jeb?" inquired a member of the press. "Isn't that hole really just your ass?"

"Naw, t'ain't!" Chief Hunt replied hotly, although he then subsequently appeared somewhat uncertain. Sergeant P. F. Eckels from the Jessup police force shouldered his way up to the microphone.

"Found me a nickel!" he announced, holding it high overhead for photographers.

"Well, I ain't takin' no part in this here sniper-hunt," drawled Captain Hector 'Heck' Greenley of Crofton. "Them slick-talkin' FBI boys pulled that on me a while back, and I had to walk two miles to find a phone booth in Gaithersburg." He paused to blow his nose on some physical evidence.

"If they wants to hold a sniper-hunt," the officer continued, "they can hold the dang fool bag, and *I'll* flush 'em out."

Monday, October 21, 2002

NORTH KOREA CONFESSES ADDITIONAL MISDEEDS

PYONGYANG -- Following on the heels of last month's admission that his country had kidnapped Japanese nationals, and last week's extraordinary revelation that North Korea possessed a secret nuclear weapons program, leader Kim Jong Il disclosed on Monday that his nation was guilty of additional malfeasance.

"We sank the Lusitania," Mr. Kim admitted. "Also, we shot down Buddy Holly and the Big Bopper. We killed J.R. We stole Fizzy Lifting Drink."

The penitent leader made further admissions. "We drive rudely. We invented telemarketing. We shot off that flaregun on the Lake Geneva shoreline. We fantasize about Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen even though they're much too young for us."

Despite the growing anger and clamor at the press conference, Kim Jong Il, appearing very much a man who wished to salve his conscience, would not be stopped. "Remember when you were a little kid, and you had your quarter to buy a snow-cone, and some big bully knocked you on the ground and stole your quarter? That was us! that was us...."

The North Korean leader collapsed at his lectern and wept nakedly. After a moment of stunned silence, the crowd closed around him, patting him, murmuring soothing words, beginning the process that leads to acceptance and, one day, forgiveness.

Sunday, October 20, 2002

NEW POLLS REVEAL 67% OF AMERICANS ARE ANDROIDS

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A study conducted by the Pew Research Center and released on Sunday revealed that over 67% of all persons living in America are automotons bearing only superficial resemblance to human beings.

"It didn't come as a complete surprise to us," said Andrew Kohut, director of the independent opinion reserach group. "There were early indicators when we analyzed the information now being made available from the 2000 census. We discovered that for the Racial Classification category, a surprising number of people checked the box titled 'Artificial Life-form'."

According to Kohut, 67.2% of survey respondents stated that they were androids, compared with just under 30% who claimed to be human, and almost 3% who had no opinion.

"Interestingly, the number of people who gave George W. Bush a satisfactory job approval rating was also 67.2%," added Kohut, "and the number of people who favor armed conflict with Iraq at the present time is the exact same percentage. When asked whether they would jump off a bridge if George W. Bush told them to do it, a staggering 54% said they would. 13.2% said they were unsure, as they had experienced negative consequences the last time they had been issued that command."

Kohut could not explain how almost 180 million androids could have come to populate the United States of America, although he did point out that certain line items in SDI research appropriations were never adequately accounted for during the Reagan administration.

"Most troubling," Kohut said, "was the fact that 37.5% of all respondents said they would detonate their built-in explosive charge when provided with the appropriate coded signal." The researcher shrugged. "Hey, sometimes a good pollster needs to go fishing, you know?"