Saturday, October 19, 2002

'UNDISCLOSED LOCATION' REVEALED TO BE WHITE HOUSE MAINTENANCE SHED

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Vice-President Dick Cheney revealed Saturday that, until very recently, the 'undisclosed location' used by key government personnel during periods of heightened security was actually the White House grounds maintenance shed.

"It was pretty dark in there," the vice-president confessed, "and there were all these daddy longlegs doing their little jerky dance in every corner. Brrrrr. Then there was the time I sat on a rake, which needed stitches and a tetanus booster." Cheney shook his head in disgust.

Cheney admitted that the 'undisclosed location' needed to be changed because the scent of fertilizer that pervaded his entire wardrobe had become a dead giveaway and a security risk.

When asked regarding the new safe location for Cheney and the cabinet, the vice-president merely smiled and winked broadly. "Let's just say it beats the pants off sitting on paint cans. Especially on Thursdays, when well drinks are just a dollar."

"Woo hoo!" Cheney added.
GOVERNMENT DEFENDS HUMAN RIGHTS RECORD AT AL-QAEDA PRISONER COMPOUND

GUANTANAMO BAY -- The United States government flatly rejects any criticism of its human rights record in this isolated prisoner-of-war stockade, according to the deputy base commander, Colonel Jefferson Brinks.

"We're not running a boy scout camp here," Colonel Brinks said. "However, we comply with the requirements of the Lake Geneva Accords, and we do our best to allow our guests as much freedom as possible without jeopardizing security."

Brinks gave examples of the lattitude allowed to prisoners showing good conduct, including access to facilities for exercise and worship, exposure to stimulating music, and even limited forms of self-governance. He was dismissive of claims that cruel and unusual punitive measures were enforced.

"Naturally the prisoners are under constant surveillance for reasons of national security," Brinks admitted, "but these accusations of mind control, drugged interrogations and beatings by teams of thugs are nothing but scurrilous rumors."

"Take this claim by Amnesty International," Brinks continued, "that we attempted to break one prisoner, an al-Qaeda officer, by presenting him with a doppelganger to destroy his sense of self. Or these outlandish claims by Swiss observers that runaways are brought back to the compound, unconscious, within roaring, translucent bouncing globes. Where do these people get this stuff?"

The Colonel waved his hand out the window of his green-domed office. "Do you see a brutal gulag out there? This place is more like a village, and our guests are the citizens of that village. If they follow the rules and comply with a few simple requests, they are treated very well. Of course, if they decide not to join in the spirit of the community, they can find this place very unpleasant -- very unpleasant indeed."

Colonel Brinks then turned slightly in his chair, looking directly through the monitors at the viewing audience, and smiled thinly. "Be seeing you," he intoned ominously.

Colonel Brinks' superior officer was not available for comment.

Friday, October 18, 2002

PEACE RETURNS TO IVORY COAST; WORLD APATHETIC

TIEBISSOU -- After a month-long civil war, an agreement to bring peace to the once-stable nation of Ivory Coast is finally holding. The western world could not possibly care less.

Despite the fierceness of the fighting, which has killed hundreds of Ivorians and displaced tens of thousands, the majority of America-based news services declined to cover this story anywhere close to the front page or top of the broadcast. Many markets have had no coverage at all. When confronted with these facts, Yancey Liebling, Chief News Editor for Yahoo! News, made a dismissive gesture by clutching her hand and jerking it up and down.

"Who gives a shit?" said Liebling. "They're not rich, they're not hip, they're not photogenic, and Bono's busy."

"Now what about the next season of American Idol?" Liebling added. "Now there's a story you can sink your teeth into!"

The Ivory Coast, a nation of almost 17 million people, will not be viewing American Idol next season: the bulk of the television stations were destroyed in the fighting.
REPUBLICANS ANTICIPATE ELECTION WITH STUPIDITY SHIFT

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- With the election only weeks away, the Republican party has mounted an effort to broaden their appeal to voters by subtly shifting their platform towards stupidity.

"We've tried other movements in the past," said Norman Westervold, a GOP strategist, "but without any particular success. We've hemmed in on the Democrats' domestic issues; we've veered briefly towards religious fundamentalism -- and yet we've lost control of the Senate. We figured, let's try to relate to people at the very core of their being: their dimness."

According to Westervold, the vast majority of Americans aren't too bright. "They're yutzes. They watch America's Funniest Home Videos. They fight over Beanie Babies. They have drive-through liquor stores. These are not rocket scientists we're talking about here. And when they see a candidate tripping over big words, mangling the facts and babbling incoherently, they're going to say -- 'Hey, that's me!'"

Westervold cited as an example President Bush's most recent gaffe. "'Fool me once.....shame on you....you don't get fooled again.'" He shook his head and grinned. "Sheer genius!"

Monday, October 14, 2002

PALESTINIAN YOUTH ELECTRIFIED BY DC-AREA SNIPER

RAMALLAH -- The infamous exploits of the Washington D.C.-area sniper have made a great impression on Palestinian youth in the West Bank, sources claimed Monday.

"Wait a second," said Abdel, a 19-year old resident of Ramallah. "You mean I can take the lives of a bunch of civilians, yet not have to surrender myself to martyrdom? wow! I mean, Wow!"

"That's not at all what Jamal Mansour said," added 18-year old Reza, a student. "He told us we had to give our lives to further the Intifada. What a crock that was."

According to Hamas leadership, the shooting spree in America has led to a crisis in the ranks of would-be suicide bombers.

"They won't strap the bombs on," complained one street-level commander who declined to be named. "And all because of that stupid sniper. Leave it to America to screw up the way terrorism is conducted."