Tuesday, December 17, 2002

SENATE REPUBLICANS TO REPLACE LOTT WITH SOME OTHER REDNECK

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Sources close to the Republican leadership of the United States Senate reported Tuesday that they were close to making a decision to oust Senator Trent Lott (R - Mississippi) from his position as Senate majority leader and replace him with some other arch-conservative redneck with scary ideas.

"My, but Big T done got them uppity negroes all riled up," said one senator who declined to be named, sipping mint juleps on his front porch. "'Fraid that boy's time is up, but don't you worry your little haid none," grinned the senator, his jowls flopping. "We gots us plenty of good ol' boys to go 'round. An' that's the mos' 'potant thang."

Top contenders for the Senate majority spot are considered to be Don Nickles (R - Oklahoma), who believes abortions should be outlawed even to save the life of the mother, and Bill Frist (R - Tennessee), who believes background checks should not be required of persons who want to buy guns at gun shows.

"The president will not be stepping in on this issue, which is strictly a matter for the legislative body," said Ari Fleischer, spokesman for the White House. "We would just like to make sure that whoever is running the Senate is somebody who can work closely with George W. Bush. And since they're all banjo-pluckers around here, I don't see we'll have any problems," added Fleischer, a little Jewish Yankee guy.

The Republican party is often credited with freeing the slaves.

Tuesday, November 05, 2002

ELECTION 2K2 SPECIAL REPORT: HOCK THE VOTE

UNDEAD MARCH ON WASHINGTON TO DEMAND CIVIL RIGHTS

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A horde of slavering zombies marched down the Washington Mall Tuesday in a protest intended to secure the basic rights of the undead.

"We want Congress to wake up and smell the necrosis," shouted undead activity Mort Shaeffer into a bullhorn. Wearing a tee-shirt reading 'Rotten but Not Forgotten', Shaeffer has become the most vocal spokesbeing for what has come to be known as the Million Maggot March.

"The Dead took a great step forwards in 2000 when we got to vote for one of our own," said Shaeffer in an exclusive interview. "Mel Carnahan, as channelled by his wife, has given the animus-challenged a legitimate voice in the government. But now they've decided to replace Paul Wellstone on the ballot with a living candidate. That's prejudice, plain and simple!"

Shaeffer listed a host of issues important to the Reawakened, including the coverage of funerary costs under Medicare and government-funded subsidies of brains. The undead would also like to amend the Declaration of Independence to grant only the inalienable rights of Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.

Tuesday's protest was staged on election day to highlight what Shaeffer claims to be the profiling of nonliving would-be voters. "We get turned away at the polls because we shamble, or lack the usual complement of limbs," Shaeffer complained bitterly. "What the politicians don't realize is what a formidable voting bloc we could be."

"Look at Chicago," Shaeffer added. "We've been deciding elections up there for years."

VOTING IRREGULARITIES REPORTED IN FLORIDA

MIAMI -- Election observers in Florida reported Tuesday that despite the efforts of state officials to guarantee free and fair balloting, incidents continue to occur that may tarnish that state's already blemished voting record.

"Take the wording of the ballots for voting a straight party ticket," said one observer. "You can either check 'Republican', or 'Not (Not (Not (Not (Not Republican))))', which is a little bit confusing. Then there's the fact that the butterfly ballot has been replaced by a Moebius strip, so punching Democratic on one side punches Republican holes on the other."

"I thought it was pretty fair this time," admitted Jean Lupo, interviewed as she left her voting location. "Of course, the small electric shock that accompanied votes for independent candidates helped sway my decision. One guy down the row from me burst into flame, but I'm pretty sure it was just because he voted for that school bond issue."

Observers were also skeptical of claims that, owing to heightened security concerns regarding terrorism, police were blocking approaches to voting sites by any individuals with the same approximate skin tone as John Allen Muhammad.

"Governor's orders," said a police spokesman.

WITH 0% OF PRECINCTS REPORTING, RESULTS PREDICTED

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- After receiving final vote tally information from approximately 0% of all voting precincts, the media released preliminary voting results Tuesday.

"It looks like a landslide victory for Robert Torricelli," said Dan Rather. "However, the race is too close to call for Paul Wellstone. More on this story as it develops."

"Meanwhile, Dewey is hanging onto his lead over Truman in exit polling," Rather continued. "It seems more and more likely that we won't have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore....this just in, President Kennedy has been shot!"

"Turning now to local elections," said Rather, "the most current numbers report that Walter Mondale...." The newsman looked up and, with a wry smile, waved his copy in the air.

"Okay, which of you guys is the joker?" added Rather.

Monday, November 04, 2002

SAUDI ARABIA: 'ALL OUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US'

RIYADH -- Despite ample evidence that somebody set up us the bomb, Saudi Foreign Minister Prince Saud al-Faisal stated Monday that his country would not allow the United States to use their bases in an attack on Iraq.

"How are you gentlemen!" said al-Faisal, on Main Screen of a very surprised President George Bush and his cabinet. "All our base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction!"

"What you say!!" exclaimed Bush.

"You have no chance to survive make your time," continued al-Faisal, confounding all American attempts at translation. Efforts to sway the Saudi decision by diplomatic means were defeated when the Foreign Minister broke off the transmission amid echoing laughter.

President Bush responded by dispatching aircraft carrier groups to the region and instructing naval commanders to not be overly particular which nation gets bombed.


Sunday, November 03, 2002

GERALDINE FERRARO ACTIVATED IN NEVADA BUNKER

RENO -- Sources divulged Monday that Geraldine Ferraro, the unsuccessful Democratic candidate for Vice-president in 1984, has been removed from cold storage in her top-security bunker in the Nevada desert and has been refitted for active duty in the event of an emergency.

"This old bird has seen some tough times," admitted Lieutenant Colonel Austin Weathers, slapping the former congresswoman affectionately on the haunch, "but don't think she's a softy just because she's racked up the mileage. Yessir, we've cleaned her up and put her through her paces, and we're confident that the 'Lady Tip' could lick any GOP candidate in a dogfight."

"They don't build 'em like they used to," added Weathers.

Sources close to the Democratic National Party stated that in the event of another candidate's untimely death, Ferraro could be crewed by expert handlers, airlifted to any of the 50 states and given expedited residency status to allow her to be a write-in candidate for Tuesday's elections.

"We're hoping for a shot at some action," Weathers admitted. "Nobody wants anything to happen to our boys on the ground, of course, but given the opportunity, the old girl will fly again for her country." The lieutenant colonel became visibly moved as he polished Ferraro's glasses with his sleeve.

"We just hope she doesn't get broken down for parts like Gary Hart," Weathers continued. "That would be the real tragedy."

Wednesday, October 30, 2002

LIKUD TO FORM RULING COALITION WITH LIBERTARIANS

JERUSALEM -- Following the resignation of Labor Party ministers from Ariel Sharon's government and the dissolution of the Likud Party's coalition in the Knesset, the Israeli Prime Minister plans to maintain control of the nation by forging a narrow alliance with the Libertarian Party, sources said Wednesday.

"It's really a natural team in the making," said Zevi Meyir, chairman of the Israeli Libertarian Party. "For example, the Likud Party champions the population expansion in the West Bank. We're 100% behind that sentiment; we simply advocate the notion that resettlement can be better performed by private enterprise. Given a profit motive, corporations will create ultraconservative armed compounds for us -- without a single taxpayer shekel being spent!"

Meyir also offered his party's solution to the conflict with the Palestinian people. "I don't think anybody's arguing that we need to forgive the terrorists and give them whatever they want," said Meyir. "But, frankly, a massive publicly-funded putsch doesn't do anything except squander money. This sort of conflict can be best settled by the writing of rational, legally-binding personal contracts between individuals. We could have a contract forbidding the use of suicide bombs, for instance, and for those who violate the terms of the agreement there would be stiff penalties."

The Likud party holds 55 of the 120 seats in the Knesset. With the 7 seats held by the Libertarians, Sharon would be able to retain a narrow margin of control over parliament. However, outside observers are doubtful that Sharon can sell his own party on the policy shifts necessary to appease their coalition partners.

"Maybe they could push through the drug legalization plank," observed Layla Schinner of the Jerusalem Post. "Nothing would quiet Netanyahu down quite like a big fatty."


Tuesday, October 29, 2002

U.S.: RUSSIANS SUBDUED CHECHEN SEPARATISTS WITH AVRIL LAVIGNE

MOSCOW -- The United States ambassador to Russia claimed Tuesday that lives could have been saved had Russians disclosed that the 3-day theater standoff had been ended by pumping Avril Lavigne's music over the sound system at high volume.

"We regret that the lack of information contributed to the confusion after the immediate operation to free the hostages was over," Alexander Vershbow told a news briefing. "It's clear that with perhaps a little more information, at least a few more of the hostages may have survived. Emergency response teams might have been able to sustain the lives of victims with quick infusions of Moby or Warren Zevon."

The music of Avril Lavigne, a 17-year-old Canadian pop sensation, is regarded by munitions experts as a biological weapon. It is banned by the Geneva protocols, and is on the list of materials to be searched for when U.N. weapons inspectors re-enter Iraq. No nations are known to have an Avril Lavigne weapons research program, although last week North Korea admitted to developing a system for delivering concentrated bursts of Bjork.

Russian officials denied initial reports that the cause of death might have been an opiate gas derivative. "It was an understandable mistake," said Vershbow, "since the facial expressions of the vast majority of the dead combined profound terror and extreme boredom. Many also choked on their own vomit, which in hindsight makes perfect sense. Goodness knows every time 'Complicated' comes on the radio, I have to switch the station or start gagging uncontrollably."

Of the 117 confirmed dead, 115 were known to have died from the musical onslaught; the remaining two died from gunshot wounds, either at the hands of the terrorists or self-inflicted. Meanwhile, hundreds remain in Moscow hospitals, alternately convulsing and shouting "I'm with the sk8er boi!" Doctors can do little to help them, save providing them with fluids and piping "Cake" over the intercom.

"Better they should have died," mourned one physician.

Monday, October 28, 2002

U.S. SOMEHOW SURPRISED AT SHOOTING OF DIPLOMAT IN JORDAN

AMMAN -- The United States Goverment expressed its surprise and outrage at the Monday slaying of an American diplomat stationed in Jordan, a tragic event that surprised and outraged nobody else.

"We are outraged by this incomprehensible act," the U.S. embassy in Amman said in a statement regarding the apparent execution of Laurence Foley, 62, a senior administrator at the U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID).

"Huh?" replied Ali, a Jordanian taxi driver who declined to be further identified. "America bombs the shit out of one Islamic nation, then threatens to bomb the shit out of another. All of a sudden, an unescorted diplomat loses his life in an Islamic country. What's incomprehensible about that?"

"I mean, hello?" added Ali.

State Department spokesman Richard Boucher said Washington did not know who was responsible and could not be sure the killing was politically motivated. The rest of the universe simply shrugged, rolled its eyes, and went on about its business.